His wife hit him round the head with a frying pan

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' 

What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'   

Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   

he told me to give up my seat to a lady

Son:     'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'  

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'  

Son:     'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   

'When we get married, I want to share all your worries

Girl:     'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  

Boy:     'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  

Girl:     'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 

Do you want dinner

Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'  

Husband:     'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife:      'Yes or no.

You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour

Wife:        'What are you doing?'

Husband:    Nothing.

Wife:        'Nothing . . . ?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband:   'I was looking for the expiration date.'    

Irish inspector from a pest-control company

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! ' 

Don't you realize you've had it

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' 

I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

IRS

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

My dog is dead

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

You're beautiful

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

I have sinned

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Almost

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

 The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

 The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

 The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

 The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

 He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

 The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first 

anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery

table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it

is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that

you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an

example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt

of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do

the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took

turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second

most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and

sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

  

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

  

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

  

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.

  

Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

  

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

  

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Is there some sort of secret?

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Petrol problems

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'   Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

O Pereira era um alto funcionário da corte do Rei

Havia muito tempo, nutria um desejo incontrolável de beijar os voluptuosos seios da Rainha até se fartar.
Todas as vezes que tentou, deu-se mal. ...
Um dia revelou o seu desejo a Gaio, principal advogado da Corte e pediu que ele fizesse algo para ajudá-lo.
Gaio, depois de muito pensar e estudar o assunto - concordou, sob a condição de Pereira lhe pagar mil moedas de ouro.
 Pereira aceitou o acordo, que não foi formalizado por escrito.
 No dia seguinte, Gaio preparou um líquido que causava comichões e derramou-o no soutien da Rainha enquanto esta tomava banho.
Logo a comichão começou e aumentou de intensidade, deixando o Rei preocupado e a Rainha desesperada.
A Corte fazia consultas a médicos, quando Gaio disse que apenas uma saliva especial, se aplicada por quatro horas, curaria o mal. Gaio também disse que essa saliva só poderia ser encontrada na boca do Pereira.
O Rei ficou muito feliz e então chamou Pereira que, pelas quatro horas seguintes, se fartou de gozar, beijando à vontade as suculentas e deliciosas mamas da Rainha.
Lambendo, mordendo, apertando e passando a mão, ele fez finalmente o que sempre desejou.
 Satisfeito, encontrou-se no dia seguinte com o advogado Gaio. Com o seu desejo plenamente realizado e a sua libido satisfeita, Pereira recusou-se a pagar ao advogado Gaio.
 Pereira sabia que, naturalmente, Gaio nunca poderia contar o facto ao Rei. Mas Pereira subestimou o advogado.
 No dia seguinte, Gaio colocou o mesmo líquido nas cuecas do Rei e ...
o Rei mandou chamar o Pereira...

A velhinha do saco de plástico

 Uma velhinha no autocarro, fazendo-se acompanhar pelo tradicional saco de plástico, senta-se ocupando o lugar ao seu lado com o saco.
 Aproxima- se um cavalheiro, para ocupar esse lugar e, tempestivamente, a senhora grita:
 Cuidado com os tomates!!!!
Muito corado e ainda de rabo esticado, o homem questiona amavelmente:
São tomates, o que aqui leva minha senhora?
Não, são pregos!!!

Distraido

Um amigo diz ao seu vizinho:
 - Devias fechar a janela à noite, quando estás em casa.
Ontem vi-te a fazer amor com a tua mulher.
Foi na sala, na cozinha, no corredor, porra aquilo é que foi...!!! Ela até pulava de contente !
 O outro:
- Ah,ah,ah, ah! És mesmo PARVO... Eu ontem nem estava em casa !!!

Os gases da fermentação

"Hoje estava eu a tomar um café, no Bar do Alfredo, quando, desesperadamente, precisei de dar um peido.
 A música estava bem alta. Então calculei soltar o gasoso em sincronia com o ritmo.
 Assim o pensei, assim o fiz. Lá se foram os gases da fermentação da feijoada, molho de repolho e ovos cozidos, sendo libertados ao ritmo da música.
Fiquei orgulhoso pelo peidão fragmentado, ritmado, em sincronismo perfeito com a música... Comecei a sentir-me melhor e mais aliviado... Terminei meu café tranquilamente... só então notei que toda a gente estava a olhar para mim.
 Então lembrei-me que estava a ouvir música do meu iPod...
 Nunca mais tomo café ali."

O pinhal de Leiria

NUMA AULA DE HISTÓRIA DE PORTUGAL
Pergunta a Professora:
- Joãozinho, sabe a quem é que se deve o pinhal de Leiria?
- Fónix, ó s'tora, então essa merda também não está paga?!

Hypnotist

 It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
 I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
 The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
 "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
 He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
 "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
 The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
 A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 "SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
 It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back.